Heart

I know that there are people who now read this blog whose hearts are breaking. I know because that was me and it continues to be me, in a somewhat different way. I just want to say, You are not alone. There were times when I put myself in "no more blog surfing prison." I just couldn't handle seeing one more post about a baby, someone being pregnant or how much fun people were having with their kids. There were other times where it didn't hurt so bad. For years we have prayed for and worked for a and spent money on getting pregnant and it just didn't seem like it was going to happen. Then there would be a little glimmer of hope and I would get pregnant only to find out later that I miscarried. When we found out in October that this glimmer of hope was back for the 3rd time, it was hard to not get my hopes up. Each week passed and I would feel more and more at ease. Because of these scars I am maybe a little bit, how do you say "Overly Concerned" about this baby. I feel like although Robbie and I are overwhelmed with excitement and gratitude, we won't be able to breathe a sigh of relief until that baby is in our arms and then a whole different level of "Overly Concerned" will begin. I was scheduled for a doctors appointment on Tuesday. It was Monday and my doctors office was right across the street. All day I thought about slipping over and just asking to hear the babys heartbeat. I kept telling myself I could wait until tomorrow. I convinced myself that they would think I was crazy (I know I am not the only one who has been this nuts about it). I waited until Tuesday...I was so proud of myself! That was easy I thought. Look how in control I am. But as soon as the doctor came in I quickly pleaded "Please can I hear the babys heart, I need to hear its heart". So much for control. When I heard that heartbeat I soared. I felt so much better. And now its Thursday...and I need to hear it again. Its going to be a long 4 weeks! I feel so blessed for this opportunity. I don't know the end from the beginning. I don't think this will be the end of our infertility road. But I know that I am going to enjoy every second of this. I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to hear a babys heart beating and see it growing inside me. It is something I have wanted for a long time and yet I still feel so undeserving. I ache for those who have yet to or may not in this life have this opportunity. I hope these scars always stay, and that I can always feel this empathy and that I can help heal others hearts. I would never trade the things I have learned in these few years, I know I could not have learned them any other way and I feel so blessed to have this perspective.

But to those of you who are struggling with this for the last few years I have found comfort by going to this blog. I wish I were as eloquent as mrs.r. She is incredible. I can't even imagine how many lives she has touched and how many tears she has replaced with hope and faith.

I am sorry that my thoughts are so scattered and that I don't always make sense. I am sorry that I might not make anyone feel better but just know that if I could put my heart in you or place my feelings within you, you would understand.